It has been a very long time since i wrote......i was so taken with everything that was happening that i totally forgot what i pledged for...but here i am trying to continue what i have started before................... today is wednesday and i just had my exam (psychopathologie des conduites addictives) and i am supposed to be ACING it :D i wrote 8 pages..and i wrote well.......even though i did not feel like having that exam and even though i haven't studied well :D.....I studied with my friend L.M today all day......i skipped work..............I am now thinking this is fun......i should do it everyday and maybe......put the link as a personal msg on my msn............maybe :D...u never know.....someone might find this interesting to read.......so i think i m gonna make it a diary.......write on it whenever i have the chance....okay then so till tomorrow........
PS : H.H. was just talking to me about our future house......how i love him.........how i....love him......
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Sunday, November 25, 2007
First Day...Creation
Well...here i am...I woke up today and decided to create a space for myself...a space that i can fill with my thoughts...I am not sure wether anyone would read what is written here...or would really be interested in what I have to say.....but I must say......wether anyone read this or not....I am going to write here as much as I can.......whenever I feel i want to say something and cannot say it out loud......I will put it here........whenever something new (bad or good) happens in my life I will express it within these pages.......
Finding your way home is a very tough journey.....the road is dusty and dark.....it's a long way and sometimes you never reach home....untill you are dead......I long to find my home....I am so in need of finding a shelter where I can finally rest my head in......and live the rest of my days in.....
13-11-2007....I had my GB surgery......I have been @ home ever since.....recovering from what I like to call : a serious error...the error not being the surgery but being fat.....I am so afraid of what the future holds in his hands for me........after the surgery I mean....It's not an easy one for sure and after it, all my life will change, everything that I used to do will be changed......and the complications afterwards might be very severe....so...I am afraid.......but....I had to do it...I just felt soooooooooooooooo bad so so so bad and I couldn't even work nor be happy...It is true what the books say: the body image if altered is the most destructive to a human being...not matter how good looking he is or greatly shaped he/she is......if the body image is not concieved properly, it will be the end of happiness for the person..........and the begining of a new depressive episode...so hard to get out of those....
So I gathered all my courage..........& did allllllllll the researches i needed to do, visited several Drs and took the decision 7 days before the actual surgery............
HOW DID I FEEL AFTER THE SURGERY?
Day 1 : "Breathe Lama Breathe...." 1,2,3........my head was tingling and I slept...AWFULL FEELING...................I woke up after the surgery on the voice of a young nurse telling me to wake up and that the surgery went great and that I am okay and that I should wake up to go to my room.......I, of course, was sooooooo much in pain coz i have a big cut in my belly (12cm long) and that the medics and the anesthesic effects were kicking in.......I went through a period where I did not know wether I was alive or not: I was put in a very large room full of patients who just finished their surgeries..No one was fully awake of course...and i had my eyes closed but i can clearly hear moans and hallucinations (not knowing what that was back then but analysing it now...i understood what i was hearing)...and I heard some nurses talking to a man called Francois...It caught my name while i was in the semi-conscious stage....and I knew he was french because he was answering in French...amazing.....then I blacked out...I woke up on the sound of the bed wheels....I knew then I was on my way to my room.....I was in pain......and I was not fully aware of my perceptions........then I saw a face i knew ...... then two faces i immediatly recognized : MOM & DAD....mom was in tears i guess...and i heard the nurse telling my parents : don't worry she's fine.......Lama welcome to your room.....two men and a woman transfered me from the operation bed to the room's bed......I remember i cried from pain.....i was so afraid i would fall.....i felt i was gonna die......then once transferred they covered me..i was soo cold...and i slept........I woke up then slept then woke up then slept like a million times...and mom and dad were beside me...I was in another world....did not know who, where, why was I there....and i slept all the night (mom slept beside me) and the nurses came in and out to fix my medics....it was a very tiring night.......very very tiring......and painfull....
Finding your way home is a very tough journey.....the road is dusty and dark.....it's a long way and sometimes you never reach home....untill you are dead......I long to find my home....I am so in need of finding a shelter where I can finally rest my head in......and live the rest of my days in.....
13-11-2007....I had my GB surgery......I have been @ home ever since.....recovering from what I like to call : a serious error...the error not being the surgery but being fat.....I am so afraid of what the future holds in his hands for me........after the surgery I mean....It's not an easy one for sure and after it, all my life will change, everything that I used to do will be changed......and the complications afterwards might be very severe....so...I am afraid.......but....I had to do it...I just felt soooooooooooooooo bad so so so bad and I couldn't even work nor be happy...It is true what the books say: the body image if altered is the most destructive to a human being...not matter how good looking he is or greatly shaped he/she is......if the body image is not concieved properly, it will be the end of happiness for the person..........and the begining of a new depressive episode...so hard to get out of those....
So I gathered all my courage..........& did allllllllll the researches i needed to do, visited several Drs and took the decision 7 days before the actual surgery............
HOW DID I FEEL AFTER THE SURGERY?
Day 1 : "Breathe Lama Breathe...." 1,2,3........my head was tingling and I slept...AWFULL FEELING...................I woke up after the surgery on the voice of a young nurse telling me to wake up and that the surgery went great and that I am okay and that I should wake up to go to my room.......I, of course, was sooooooo much in pain coz i have a big cut in my belly (12cm long) and that the medics and the anesthesic effects were kicking in.......I went through a period where I did not know wether I was alive or not: I was put in a very large room full of patients who just finished their surgeries..No one was fully awake of course...and i had my eyes closed but i can clearly hear moans and hallucinations (not knowing what that was back then but analysing it now...i understood what i was hearing)...and I heard some nurses talking to a man called Francois...It caught my name while i was in the semi-conscious stage....and I knew he was french because he was answering in French...amazing.....then I blacked out...I woke up on the sound of the bed wheels....I knew then I was on my way to my room.....I was in pain......and I was not fully aware of my perceptions........then I saw a face i knew ...... then two faces i immediatly recognized : MOM & DAD....mom was in tears i guess...and i heard the nurse telling my parents : don't worry she's fine.......Lama welcome to your room.....two men and a woman transfered me from the operation bed to the room's bed......I remember i cried from pain.....i was so afraid i would fall.....i felt i was gonna die......then once transferred they covered me..i was soo cold...and i slept........I woke up then slept then woke up then slept like a million times...and mom and dad were beside me...I was in another world....did not know who, where, why was I there....and i slept all the night (mom slept beside me) and the nurses came in and out to fix my medics....it was a very tiring night.......very very tiring......and painfull....
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